Married but looking for a boyfriend

you-think-that-i-hate-you-but-i-hate-that-i-love-you-26545917-400-301

He says he’s not interested. “Go make friends that like the same thing.” He says he’s content with how things are. “I’m perfectly happy with my routine.”

I say I’m not happy. “I need more undivided attention.” I say I’m suffocating in the monotony. “I need to be more active and want you to join.”

Our hearts are combined but our souls are strangers. Our hearts know it’s time but our minds can’t let go.

 

Advertisements

Artist Greatness

 

poster-poohearts-finaltw

Super inspirational and cute. www.notsalmon.com

tumblr_m5oanh8jVH1rnr6h1o1_1280

Sarcastic, off the cuff and just plain strange. But that’s why I love it. www.sebastienmillon.com

spalshart492012

Super cool and creative. There are many different styles on his page. www.kacper-kiec.tumblr.com

now-im-a-superhero

My personal super hero. She really is just like me. LOL www.nataliedee.com

 

I know there is more…just can’t think of them right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bday month recap

bday office

So, my birthday month is done and gone. And from what I recollect it was not one of the greatest. However, I have a chance to make it better next year.

I did receive a new radio in my car from my hubby that allows me to play music from my phone via Bluetooth. Totally awesome!

A group of friends met up with me after work on Monday, May 5th, my actually birthday, for drinks. It was nice to see them all. However, after two drinks I remembered it was Monday and I had to drive home. So waters and more waters after that.

Oh, my co-workers decorated my office. I left it up all month of course.

I got to see my sister the weekend before my bday and she gave me a bag of goodies. Little trinkets and a book. Good presents from a great sister.

Also, my friend from Canada was in town for 2 weeks at the beginning of the month. It’s always nice to spend time with her.

I suppose it could have been much worse. But I tend to dwell on the unimportant things.

Goals for next year:

  • Be more positive
  • Focus on appreciation
  • Accept things I cannot change
  • Enjoy the moment

I think if I could have embraced these strategies during my bday month I would have enjoyed it more. It’s always nice to have goals for the future.

My bday month next year is going to be like the happiest place on earth. Somewhere you never want to leave.

 

Reminder of Awesomeness

  1. I am overall a very nice, sensitive person
  2. I mostly put others before myself
  3. I love animals and the earth
  4. I’m very empathetic
  5. I eat healthy
  6. I workout regularly
  7. I can make people laugh
  8. I am fun
  9. I am generally not judgmental
  10. I am smart
  11. I am creative and artistic
  12. I enjoy nature
  13. I am good at sharing my emotions
  14. I am good at reading others emotions
  15. I am a good listener
  16. I am loyal
  17. I am compassionate…

I needed that. 🙂

How do you “Just shut your mouth?!”

We’re driving in the car. Well, he’s driving and I’m the passenger. He shifts early into fifth gear and we’re only going 40 miles per hour, in town…where there are plenty of lights. Anyway, I comment on his terrible shifting habits. He explains why he does it (for the millionth time) like that is going to convince me he knows what he’s doing. I resist the urge for about 5 seconds. Then I burst into complete and udder ridicule. “That is not going to work in my car. Can’t you hear the engine dragging? You’re the worst shifter ever!” Blah blah blah…the same old nag that I can’t seem to resist. He continues to try and explain his actions and I continue to cut him down. (Let me be perfectly clear, I’ve been driving a manual much longer then him, I know what I’m doing.) The next thing that happened came with such a surprise my actions after were a little delayed because I had to wrap my head around the situation I was just put into.

He SLAMS! I mean slams on the brakes. The car skidded to the right, next to the curb and you could smell the burning rubber. I think I pulled a home alone face or my hands were on my chest. Either way I was frozen like that for a least a minute. He proceeded to turn right on the next side street, park the car by the curb and get out (keys in his hand.) He mutter something along the lines of “When you want ME to give you a ride home come let me know. I’ll be outside.”

At first (after the initial shock) I found it kind of comical. He was throwing a hissy fit. So I grabbed my phone and starting scrolling thru Facebook. I can entertain myself for a few minutes while he cools off. Did I mention it was the middle of the night and I had been drinking? Oh sorry. Well that is why HE was driving me home. Because I could not drive myself. Anyway, I got a little sleepy so I reclined my seat and closed my eyes. It’s beautiful outside this time of year so I thought I would just relax and soak it in.

Maybe 10 minutes later I’d had enough. I decided to walk home. We weren’t too far from the house. I could walk there in about 15 minutes. I grabbed a sweater out of the back seat and started walking. He yelled something at me “Does that mean you don’t want me to give you a ride?” I just kept walking like I didn’t hear him.

Walk walk walk…man it was really dark out. We don’t live in the city so our neighborhood doesn’t have a lot a street lamps.

Walk walk walk…this is sure spooky, hope something scary doesn’t happen. Then I see my car speed pass me and turn on the next side street.

Walk walk walk…should I go get in? Nah, he’s acting like a maniac.

Walk walk walk…(my car pulls up next to me, stops in the road) “Hey, are you sure you don’t want a ride?” (or something like that) Then another car comes speeding up behind him, doesn’t appear to see that he is stopped, changes lanes last minute. It becomes clear that he is going to do this the entire way home. He obviously can’t let me walk home in the middle of the night. It’s not safe. So I say “Well, if you’re going to make this unsafe I better just get in.” And we drive home in silence.

He goes directly into the bedroom and I decide to sleep on the couch.

I understand that my nagging was rude but we’re married, nagging happens. Under no circumstances do I agree that someone should act so crazy just because someone else is saying something they don’t want to hear. It was dangerous and grossly over played. His actions have made it impossible for me to apologize because then he’ll think what he did was acceptable. And it was not. At all. Totally unacceptable!

Here is my question: When someone else is clearly doing something wrong how do you keep your mouth shut? I mean, you know it is wrong and there is no way to avoid the situation. You have to face it on a consistent basis. Just as much as it annoys them when you say something it annoys you when the do it. What are you supposed to do?

And to further defend my actions he constantly tells me he’s “allowed to have his own opinion” and that I cannot stop him. So…I was just sharing my opinion buddy. Sorry you didn’t like it but you can’t stop me from having one. The hypocrisy of it all was quite non-coincidental.

So, can you tell me how am I, in this situation, not supposed to voice my opinion?

(The issue is much deeper obviously but I can’t go into all 17 years of our background.)

Birth Month

I have been known to celebrate my birthday all month long. Why not? I gotta keep things interesting and I only get one birth month.

So, today is my birthday but it feels just like any other day. How did I lose the magic of birthdays? Where did it go?

Over the last 3 years or so my magical birth month has slowly lost it’s sparkle. Is it because I’m in my 30’s? Or is it me?  I can’t figure it out.

Anyway, happy birthday to me today and for the rest of the month. I guess things can only get better from here.

Optomism in the face of reality

I’ve heard this quote before and always find it to be so telling. People often say “look at the bright side.” Like that somehow makes that situation less bad. I understand that being negative or focusing on the problems in our lives is not a healthy way to live. But there are some situations that barley have a bright side. In fact, they’re so dark what little light you see could be mistaking as a mirage.

BUT, I am trying to lighten up my blog. I had originally set out to make a motivational outlet, not a venting platform. And unfortunately I have falling back into old habits. So from now on I want my posts to be positive and encouraging. Something you read and feel better after doing so. I feel that is an obtainable goal.

My reality is not so bad, just your normal life experiences most anyone faces. But yet my brain can make it out to be the worst thing EVER. And someone once pointed out to me that it may very well be the worst thing ever to ME and that is something to keep in mind. Just because another person’s situation, by definition, is substantially worse than yours does not mean that what you’re going thru is not as bad to you or even worse. Because we cannot fully understand each others life experiences unless we’ve lived them ourselves it is hard to compare. And even then, if you had the exact same situation, each individual will feel it differently. Because EVERYONE is unique from head to toe.

I try to keep that in perspective while I’m dealing with my life experiences. I also try to remember how lucky I am. YES, there are many things I WANT to have and do. Who doesn’t? But I do not necessarily NEED anything. And if I do, I can make it happen. The world is, quite frankly, at my finger tips. It’s quite disappointing that I don’t utilize my situation more effectively. There are so many peeps out there that could and would make much more out of my situation than I am currently doing. And some how, even though I realize this, I still don’t take those next steps. At least not by leaps and bounds. I suppose I do take very miniscule baby steps. The not so noticeable steps that can only be seen after a long span of time. I MUST give myself credit for the strides that I have made. Whether large or small.

So what now you ask? What can I do to begin the next phase? Well, that is where I’m stuck. I am completely filled with fear and negativity so I cannot fathom what could propel me into the next chapter I SO wish to be in. If I am to be completely honest with myself I know that I must face my fears. THAT is how I can break down this wall. THAT and that alone is how I will be able to fight this monster inside of me who controls my courage. Why can’t I try things and succeed or fail like everyone else? Why can’t I fail? It wouldn’t be the end of my existence as I know. Yet it feels like the worst possible thing EVER?

I CAN DO IT! This is a mantra that I need develop. I need to believe in myself. I need to find passion! I need to find my purpose on this earth. Then I will no longer be afraid because I will understand what it is I need to do. Right now I am so lost fear is a natural emotion. Everyone is fearful when they cannot see what is in front of them, when they do not know if they are going to smash into a wall. This may be the biggest challenge I have faced yet. My instincts are to run away. That is what has been holding me back from facing what is going on right now. I’m clouding my mind with dreams of running away from the issue and focusing on NOT being able to do that. Instead I need to focus that energy on what I CAN do right NOW to make this situation better.

I see it. I see the path I should be on. But I still don’t see how I can get there. I’m too afraid of change. Afraid of failure. Afraid of rejection. I feel numb and useless.

But I WILL do it. Because I have to. I will find a way. I will succeed. I will be eternally happy. One way or another. No matter my reality.