Married but looking for a boyfriend

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He says he’s not interested. “Go make friends that like the same thing.” He says he’s content with how things are. “I’m perfectly happy with my routine.”

I say I’m not happy. “I need more undivided attention.” I say I’m suffocating in the monotony. “I need to be more active and want you to join.”

Our hearts are combined but our souls are strangers. Our hearts know it’s time but our minds can’t let go.

 

Decisions not for the faint at heart

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Thinking about the times of change in my life.

Thinking about how he has been the only one to truly stand by me.

My parents broke up when I was 5 and my mother moved us to her home town half way across the country from my father and his family. She tried her best but there came a point when she gave up. My grandparents were always there for me but that couldn’t last forever. My father never exhibited much effort. My sister put in some time but decided skipping town to be the best option for her. Left alone, confused and desperate I attached myself to the one person who said they would never leave me. So how can I possibly be thinking about leaving that person now!? The person who took me in and never thought twice.

They say everything has a beginning and an end. Could it be that our relationship has met it’s end? Could it be that we are not meant to grow old together? Yet we keep fighting it thus the terrible hurt we are both experiencing. Prolonging the inevitable. It’s so hard to know what is the right move. Some would say stick it out, love is all you need. Others would say if you love them enough you’ll let them go.

I feel with a heavy heart that the decision rests on me. Only because it has been expressed that he is content with life as it is. Whereas I am the one constantly wanting something different than what we have. My soul is telling me that it needs nourishment. It’s suffocating. It feels like I’m drowning in a life I don’t want.

My need for nature is strong. It comes from within. It feels like mother nature is really my mother. I feel at peace, love deeply and complete when I am surrounded by nature. It’s only natural that a want a partner to share those life sustaining feelings with. I need a partner that feels the energy of such great openness and power and that really truly enjoys just being with me.

I know some people have been successful at leading very separate lives yet staying happily united over many years. I’m a natural follower and constantly feel the need to share my experiences with other like minded people. So I find it extremely difficult to enjoy these moments when I am by myself. And quite honestly I don’t know that I want to.

I want to drive to the top of the mountain and spend the afternoon on a blanket in the woods snuggling, watching the birds fly, playing games or just staring into each-others. I want to hike the nearest creek and find a private pool to go skinny dipping in. I want to go for walks around the neighborhood and talk about all our hopes and dreams. The more unrealistic the better. I want to work in the garden and plant things together that may or may not grow. But do it just the same.

I want someone who loves me, faults and all. Someone who doesn’t feel the need to correct me or point out my mistakes. I want someone to tell me how beautiful I am because they truly mean it and just cant live another second without telling me. I want to feel unconditional love no matter how big of an argument we are having. I want to know without a doubt that I am safe, heart and all.

This may be normal. This may be not. All I know is I want it to be better.

Reminder of Awesomeness

  1. I am overall a very nice, sensitive person
  2. I mostly put others before myself
  3. I love animals and the earth
  4. I’m very empathetic
  5. I eat healthy
  6. I workout regularly
  7. I can make people laugh
  8. I am fun
  9. I am generally not judgmental
  10. I am smart
  11. I am creative and artistic
  12. I enjoy nature
  13. I am good at sharing my emotions
  14. I am good at reading others emotions
  15. I am a good listener
  16. I am loyal
  17. I am compassionate…

I needed that. 🙂

How do you “Just shut your mouth?!”

We’re driving in the car. Well, he’s driving and I’m the passenger. He shifts early into fifth gear and we’re only going 40 miles per hour, in town…where there are plenty of lights. Anyway, I comment on his terrible shifting habits. He explains why he does it (for the millionth time) like that is going to convince me he knows what he’s doing. I resist the urge for about 5 seconds. Then I burst into complete and udder ridicule. “That is not going to work in my car. Can’t you hear the engine dragging? You’re the worst shifter ever!” Blah blah blah…the same old nag that I can’t seem to resist. He continues to try and explain his actions and I continue to cut him down. (Let me be perfectly clear, I’ve been driving a manual much longer then him, I know what I’m doing.) The next thing that happened came with such a surprise my actions after were a little delayed because I had to wrap my head around the situation I was just put into.

He SLAMS! I mean slams on the brakes. The car skidded to the right, next to the curb and you could smell the burning rubber. I think I pulled a home alone face or my hands were on my chest. Either way I was frozen like that for a least a minute. He proceeded to turn right on the next side street, park the car by the curb and get out (keys in his hand.) He mutter something along the lines of “When you want ME to give you a ride home come let me know. I’ll be outside.”

At first (after the initial shock) I found it kind of comical. He was throwing a hissy fit. So I grabbed my phone and starting scrolling thru Facebook. I can entertain myself for a few minutes while he cools off. Did I mention it was the middle of the night and I had been drinking? Oh sorry. Well that is why HE was driving me home. Because I could not drive myself. Anyway, I got a little sleepy so I reclined my seat and closed my eyes. It’s beautiful outside this time of year so I thought I would just relax and soak it in.

Maybe 10 minutes later I’d had enough. I decided to walk home. We weren’t too far from the house. I could walk there in about 15 minutes. I grabbed a sweater out of the back seat and started walking. He yelled something at me “Does that mean you don’t want me to give you a ride?” I just kept walking like I didn’t hear him.

Walk walk walk…man it was really dark out. We don’t live in the city so our neighborhood doesn’t have a lot a street lamps.

Walk walk walk…this is sure spooky, hope something scary doesn’t happen. Then I see my car speed pass me and turn on the next side street.

Walk walk walk…should I go get in? Nah, he’s acting like a maniac.

Walk walk walk…(my car pulls up next to me, stops in the road) “Hey, are you sure you don’t want a ride?” (or something like that) Then another car comes speeding up behind him, doesn’t appear to see that he is stopped, changes lanes last minute. It becomes clear that he is going to do this the entire way home. He obviously can’t let me walk home in the middle of the night. It’s not safe. So I say “Well, if you’re going to make this unsafe I better just get in.” And we drive home in silence.

He goes directly into the bedroom and I decide to sleep on the couch.

I understand that my nagging was rude but we’re married, nagging happens. Under no circumstances do I agree that someone should act so crazy just because someone else is saying something they don’t want to hear. It was dangerous and grossly over played. His actions have made it impossible for me to apologize because then he’ll think what he did was acceptable. And it was not. At all. Totally unacceptable!

Here is my question: When someone else is clearly doing something wrong how do you keep your mouth shut? I mean, you know it is wrong and there is no way to avoid the situation. You have to face it on a consistent basis. Just as much as it annoys them when you say something it annoys you when the do it. What are you supposed to do?

And to further defend my actions he constantly tells me he’s “allowed to have his own opinion” and that I cannot stop him. So…I was just sharing my opinion buddy. Sorry you didn’t like it but you can’t stop me from having one. The hypocrisy of it all was quite non-coincidental.

So, can you tell me how am I, in this situation, not supposed to voice my opinion?

(The issue is much deeper obviously but I can’t go into all 17 years of our background.)

Optomism in the face of reality

I’ve heard this quote before and always find it to be so telling. People often say “look at the bright side.” Like that somehow makes that situation less bad. I understand that being negative or focusing on the problems in our lives is not a healthy way to live. But there are some situations that barley have a bright side. In fact, they’re so dark what little light you see could be mistaking as a mirage.

BUT, I am trying to lighten up my blog. I had originally set out to make a motivational outlet, not a venting platform. And unfortunately I have falling back into old habits. So from now on I want my posts to be positive and encouraging. Something you read and feel better after doing so. I feel that is an obtainable goal.

My reality is not so bad, just your normal life experiences most anyone faces. But yet my brain can make it out to be the worst thing EVER. And someone once pointed out to me that it may very well be the worst thing ever to ME and that is something to keep in mind. Just because another person’s situation, by definition, is substantially worse than yours does not mean that what you’re going thru is not as bad to you or even worse. Because we cannot fully understand each others life experiences unless we’ve lived them ourselves it is hard to compare. And even then, if you had the exact same situation, each individual will feel it differently. Because EVERYONE is unique from head to toe.

I try to keep that in perspective while I’m dealing with my life experiences. I also try to remember how lucky I am. YES, there are many things I WANT to have and do. Who doesn’t? But I do not necessarily NEED anything. And if I do, I can make it happen. The world is, quite frankly, at my finger tips. It’s quite disappointing that I don’t utilize my situation more effectively. There are so many peeps out there that could and would make much more out of my situation than I am currently doing. And some how, even though I realize this, I still don’t take those next steps. At least not by leaps and bounds. I suppose I do take very miniscule baby steps. The not so noticeable steps that can only be seen after a long span of time. I MUST give myself credit for the strides that I have made. Whether large or small.

So what now you ask? What can I do to begin the next phase? Well, that is where I’m stuck. I am completely filled with fear and negativity so I cannot fathom what could propel me into the next chapter I SO wish to be in. If I am to be completely honest with myself I know that I must face my fears. THAT is how I can break down this wall. THAT and that alone is how I will be able to fight this monster inside of me who controls my courage. Why can’t I try things and succeed or fail like everyone else? Why can’t I fail? It wouldn’t be the end of my existence as I know. Yet it feels like the worst possible thing EVER?

I CAN DO IT! This is a mantra that I need develop. I need to believe in myself. I need to find passion! I need to find my purpose on this earth. Then I will no longer be afraid because I will understand what it is I need to do. Right now I am so lost fear is a natural emotion. Everyone is fearful when they cannot see what is in front of them, when they do not know if they are going to smash into a wall. This may be the biggest challenge I have faced yet. My instincts are to run away. That is what has been holding me back from facing what is going on right now. I’m clouding my mind with dreams of running away from the issue and focusing on NOT being able to do that. Instead I need to focus that energy on what I CAN do right NOW to make this situation better.

I see it. I see the path I should be on. But I still don’t see how I can get there. I’m too afraid of change. Afraid of failure. Afraid of rejection. I feel numb and useless.

But I WILL do it. Because I have to. I will find a way. I will succeed. I will be eternally happy. One way or another. No matter my reality.

The perfect failure

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My search for the perfect job is off to a bad start. First of all I’m not actively looking, more so just thinking about it. Secondly I have no idea what the perfect job for me is. And so there lies the ever troublesome fear that I always succumb to. FEAR stands in my way most every day. And if I had to rate it’s success I would give it an A. See, I’ve come to realize that I could be categorized as a perfectionist. But, like my quest for that perfect job, I’m the type of perfectionist that only talks about the perfect things they want. But never actually tries to obtain them for FEAR of imperfection. Are you following me?

Let’s dig deeper, really tear me apart.

I want to be a free spirit. One might call it a hippie (I do.) I envy those who go with the flow and embrace natures way. They don’t worry about details or outcomes. They live in the moment and fully enjoy the present. At least that is my interpretation. This type of free thinking does not mix well with my need for perfection. How could I let me hair down and enjoy the moment if I’m worried about what is going to happen after the moment? Will it meet my expectations? Will it be perceived by others as a failure?

FAILURE: Now that is the root of my perfectionism. FEAR of FAILURE! I know I am going to fail (by my own standards because I don’t give myself any chance of not failing), the fear is so great, I don’t even try. I lose out on so many life experiences because my FEAR paralyzes me into thinking I cannot do it.

Fortunately I am a functioning FEAR of FAILURE sufferer. What I mean by that is that I realize some individuals suffer far greater than I. I have a full time job, a husband, 3 lovely dogs and a handful of people I can call friends. My appreciation for those things should be more than it is. My negative self image diminishes the idea that I am worthy of any of it. A perfect person deserves to have those things and I am far from perfect.

Let me try to explain how I feel in words.

When someone gives me a compliment, let’s say they told me I am doing a great job at work, I completely freeze up. My face flushes and I get hot and uncomfortable. If I’m already having an emotional day sometimes my eyes well up. And you might think, good, you feel proud. But no, I feel ashamed. I feel unworthy. I feel like I somehow pulled the wool over their eyes and fooled them into thinking I deserved such a compliment. My inner self does not let me forget that I am not good enough. That I am less than everyone else.

My rational side tries hard to fight this ugly monster. Tries it’s hardest to point out the facts and bring me to the other, positive side. But majority of the time that battle is lost. And I might be able to hold myself together for appearances but you better believe that on the inside there are casualties as far as the imagination can reach. Even as I write this post I know how ridiculous it sounds.

I’ve discovered over the years, through many different counselors, that this is only just a bad habit. With practice and self awareness I can retrain my thought process to take a different route. And I do believe that to be true. Because I have made great strides in acknowledging my bad habits and redirecting some of them. But this battle has proven to be harder than I can handle. My struggles are evident to the ones closest to me. They suffer the greatest from my inability to move forward and for that I am very sorry. But I am still optimistic that I will keep improving. That the FEAR of FAILURE perfectionist inside me will lose power and the free spirit that has been trapped inside since childhood will find her voice.

She has to. I need her now more than ever.

“Grandpa, you already told me that.”

I remember as a child, probably around 10 years old, my Grandpa telling me the same stories over and over again. I would say “Grandpa, you already told me that.” And he’d shrug his shoulders and say “Yeah, maybe I did.” And we would go back to playing whatever game we were playing.

My Grandparents on my mother’s side were my whole life back then. My parents were divorced and my mother moved back to her home town to be closer to her family. Being a single mother of two girls I’m sure she needed all the help she could get. Their house became my safe spot. I always felt loved and welcome there.

My Grandma was your typical house wife of the 1950’s. She did everything for just about everybody. My Grandpa spent his days tinkering on projects in the garage. Breakfast, dinner (lunch) and supper were always at the same time. And the food was always the same. Anything from homemade macaroni to goulash, pan fried hamburger patties to pork and beans. Your typical American dishes.

I loved their house, well, because it was a house. Not an apartment or a duplex with scary neighbors. There was a big fenced in backyard with plenty of room for a kid to get into trouble. I would ride my bike around in the dirt and crash into the chain link fence. Stuff kids dreams are made of. Climb the tree, swing on the swing, build forts and play in the mud. It was a magical place.

I sometimes wish I were older. That I knew the importance of the time we spent together. When your 10 years old you’re not cherishing the moments you share with your grandparents. You’re worried about your next adventure in the backyard and if you’re going to get some jello for a snack. It never crosses your mind that you will never get these moments back. That once they’re gone, they’re gone.

My Grandpa was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease when I was very young. His disease got the best of him about 10 years later. He suffered a stroke on September 11th, 2001. Yeah, I know, that was just a bad day all around. He passed away exactly two weeks later.

My Grandma did surprisingly well. She was enjoying sleeping in and not cooking dinner. Skipping a cleaning day and watching baseball on the television. My aunt moved in to help her as she got older. Eventually it was clear that she needed constant care. She could no longer walk on her own and my aunt was not physically able to help her anymore. She was moved to a small assisted living home. It wasn’t the fanciest place but the workers were all very nice. I’m confident that she received good care. I wanna say she was in there for a couple of years. My mother and aunts visited her everyday, I went on the weekends because I worked during the week.

At some point it was clear to us all that she was ready to go. In overall good health, there was no reason for alarm except that she started refusing to eat. I knew that her quality of life had suffered greatly after losing her ability to walk. I can only imagine her discomfort. She passed away with all of us by her side.

I can picture them now, dancing together. Roller skating to their favorite song or bowling while sharing a pop. They were great people and I miss them every day.

Alzheimer’s is a terrible disease that has plagued our family. My aunt was diagnosed a few years back. And I’m sad to say that today she had to be admitted to a care facility. Her anger is too much for my uncle to handle alone. I dread the road we are about to walk along. Knowing all to well what to expect. It seems harder now that I’m older. I have more empathy than I did as a child.

Death is not something I claim to worry about. But I can’t say that I am not scared of it. The unknown. I worry about never seeing the ones I love again. I worry about being alone. I worry about being a burden on my family. Life has a way of dragging out a lesson and not revealing it’s meaning until the very end. I’m sure I will get to a space where I will feel more comfortable with death. But I can’t see that happening soon.

I’m not ready to deal with this again. I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t understand why Alzheimer’s exist but I wish I could make it disappear.