Return of the thoughts

 

no more coffeee

Not that my thoughts ever left. I mean, whose can? Nonetheless, I’ve come to realize that I must work with them instead of against them. My battles are long and hard and bloody and end in roses and tears. Every thought I have makes a stand against rationality. My egoic mind rushes in to save the day, the hour and the minute, constantly releasing stress into my aging body. The body I practice, sometimes, taking care of. I can’t pretend that I’m perfect however I can say with confidence that my eating habits are decent at worst. That makes up a lot of the battle in this modern society. But mind health, where do I fall on the spectrum? Can I claim mental health? Bah! No way. I’m a basket case a lot of the time even though externally some have said they thought I had it all together. People really have said that to me after I open up about anxiety and depression. I’m like, dang, guess I was doing a good job faking it. And in that moment I’ve felt like a fraud, a liar, an imposter. But let’s step back a bit, perhaps that is a win. Being able to hold it together enough to sustain a level of normalcy to others. My accomplishments cannot be denied despite my self loathing tendencies. I have a successful career, take care of my financial responsibilities, am kind to others, practice healthy living, continue to practice recovery… I mean, come on Universe! Things are good. Too bad the Universe is not in charge of my thoughts. Sure, she supports me in my efforts for growth but when it comes down to which file I choose to open, which detail I extract from my past and which outlandish idea I imagine for the future she just stands back and witnesses the struggle. The fact that no matter what I do she will be there is soothing, there seems to be no judgement. But going back to the thoughts, can we harness their power? Can we invent new ways of coping on the fly and in crisis? I don’t believe I can and there lies the problem. I know it is true. As soon as I believe I will most likely not need to anymore. Life is that ironic. And today I feel forlorn and optimistic, excited and anxious, betrayed and invited. I once thought that ONE defining emotion was the driving factor for my life at any given time. Most recently I discovered what I call the emotion wheel, and this wheel encompasses all emotions all the time. So while my thoughts seem to dictate my emotions I still have the choice in any given moment, which emotion I focus on. Let’s say someone’s comment induced a negative thought in me which resulted in sadness, I could also choose to feel empathy for the pain the other must be in to treat another in that way. Or I could choose to have compassion for myself and recognize that I have some work to do with self-love. The options are there, choices all around us. The emotion wheel is extensive and ever changing. The wheel incites play to me and I picture it very colorful. I beginning to be curious about this wheel and possibilities it holds. Like pendulum swinging back and forth, my emotions switch the light. However unstable I feel I know the ground is solid. If my confidence is wavering I have my breath to focus on. Rational mind sees the path, emotional mind really seems to enjoy the messy roads. Like driving down a dirt road with some bumps and ruts and washboard texture, it’s more exciting than driving straight on the perfectly paved asphalt. Less risky sure, but wheres the blood pumping excitement. I’m drawn to the drama. And believe me I used to claim others were, not me. But I see it now, my body lives on the adrenaline. I get it. Now it’s a game of finding new, healthier, less destructive ways to get that adrenaline. Like hugs, hiking, off-roading, bicycling, reading a racy story, practicing cartwheels and handstands, or playing with the dogs. Can life be that simple and still be fulfilling? I haven’t figured that out.

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Married but looking for a boyfriend

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He says he’s not interested. “Go make friends that like the same thing.” He says he’s content with how things are. “I’m perfectly happy with my routine.”

I say I’m not happy. “I need more undivided attention.” I say I’m suffocating in the monotony. “I need to be more active and want you to join.”

Our hearts are combined but our souls are strangers. Our hearts know it’s time but our minds can’t let go.

 

Decisions not for the faint at heart

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Thinking about the times of change in my life.

Thinking about how he has been the only one to truly stand by me.

My parents broke up when I was 5 and my mother moved us to her home town half way across the country from my father and his family. She tried her best but there came a point when she gave up. My grandparents were always there for me but that couldn’t last forever. My father never exhibited much effort. My sister put in some time but decided skipping town to be the best option for her. Left alone, confused and desperate I attached myself to the one person who said they would never leave me. So how can I possibly be thinking about leaving that person now!? The person who took me in and never thought twice.

They say everything has a beginning and an end. Could it be that our relationship has met it’s end? Could it be that we are not meant to grow old together? Yet we keep fighting it thus the terrible hurt we are both experiencing. Prolonging the inevitable. It’s so hard to know what is the right move. Some would say stick it out, love is all you need. Others would say if you love them enough you’ll let them go.

I feel with a heavy heart that the decision rests on me. Only because it has been expressed that he is content with life as it is. Whereas I am the one constantly wanting something different than what we have. My soul is telling me that it needs nourishment. It’s suffocating. It feels like I’m drowning in a life I don’t want.

My need for nature is strong. It comes from within. It feels like mother nature is really my mother. I feel at peace, love deeply and complete when I am surrounded by nature. It’s only natural that a want a partner to share those life sustaining feelings with. I need a partner that feels the energy of such great openness and power and that really truly enjoys just being with me.

I know some people have been successful at leading very separate lives yet staying happily united over many years. I’m a natural follower and constantly feel the need to share my experiences with other like minded people. So I find it extremely difficult to enjoy these moments when I am by myself. And quite honestly I don’t know that I want to.

I want to drive to the top of the mountain and spend the afternoon on a blanket in the woods snuggling, watching the birds fly, playing games or just staring into each-others. I want to hike the nearest creek and find a private pool to go skinny dipping in. I want to go for walks around the neighborhood and talk about all our hopes and dreams. The more unrealistic the better. I want to work in the garden and plant things together that may or may not grow. But do it just the same.

I want someone who loves me, faults and all. Someone who doesn’t feel the need to correct me or point out my mistakes. I want someone to tell me how beautiful I am because they truly mean it and just cant live another second without telling me. I want to feel unconditional love no matter how big of an argument we are having. I want to know without a doubt that I am safe, heart and all.

This may be normal. This may be not. All I know is I want it to be better.

Artist Greatness

 

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Super inspirational and cute. www.notsalmon.com

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Sarcastic, off the cuff and just plain strange. But that’s why I love it. www.sebastienmillon.com

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Super cool and creative. There are many different styles on his page. www.kacper-kiec.tumblr.com

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My personal super hero. She really is just like me. LOL www.nataliedee.com

 

I know there is more…just can’t think of them right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bday month recap

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So, my birthday month is done and gone. And from what I recollect it was not one of the greatest. However, I have a chance to make it better next year.

I did receive a new radio in my car from my hubby that allows me to play music from my phone via Bluetooth. Totally awesome!

A group of friends met up with me after work on Monday, May 5th, my actually birthday, for drinks. It was nice to see them all. However, after two drinks I remembered it was Monday and I had to drive home. So waters and more waters after that.

Oh, my co-workers decorated my office. I left it up all month of course.

I got to see my sister the weekend before my bday and she gave me a bag of goodies. Little trinkets and a book. Good presents from a great sister.

Also, my friend from Canada was in town for 2 weeks at the beginning of the month. It’s always nice to spend time with her.

I suppose it could have been much worse. But I tend to dwell on the unimportant things.

Goals for next year:

  • Be more positive
  • Focus on appreciation
  • Accept things I cannot change
  • Enjoy the moment

I think if I could have embraced these strategies during my bday month I would have enjoyed it more. It’s always nice to have goals for the future.

My bday month next year is going to be like the happiest place on earth. Somewhere you never want to leave.

 

How do you “Just shut your mouth?!”

We’re driving in the car. Well, he’s driving and I’m the passenger. He shifts early into fifth gear and we’re only going 40 miles per hour, in town…where there are plenty of lights. Anyway, I comment on his terrible shifting habits. He explains why he does it (for the millionth time) like that is going to convince me he knows what he’s doing. I resist the urge for about 5 seconds. Then I burst into complete and udder ridicule. “That is not going to work in my car. Can’t you hear the engine dragging? You’re the worst shifter ever!” Blah blah blah…the same old nag that I can’t seem to resist. He continues to try and explain his actions and I continue to cut him down. (Let me be perfectly clear, I’ve been driving a manual much longer then him, I know what I’m doing.) The next thing that happened came with such a surprise my actions after were a little delayed because I had to wrap my head around the situation I was just put into.

He SLAMS! I mean slams on the brakes. The car skidded to the right, next to the curb and you could smell the burning rubber. I think I pulled a home alone face or my hands were on my chest. Either way I was frozen like that for a least a minute. He proceeded to turn right on the next side street, park the car by the curb and get out (keys in his hand.) He mutter something along the lines of “When you want ME to give you a ride home come let me know. I’ll be outside.”

At first (after the initial shock) I found it kind of comical. He was throwing a hissy fit. So I grabbed my phone and starting scrolling thru Facebook. I can entertain myself for a few minutes while he cools off. Did I mention it was the middle of the night and I had been drinking? Oh sorry. Well that is why HE was driving me home. Because I could not drive myself. Anyway, I got a little sleepy so I reclined my seat and closed my eyes. It’s beautiful outside this time of year so I thought I would just relax and soak it in.

Maybe 10 minutes later I’d had enough. I decided to walk home. We weren’t too far from the house. I could walk there in about 15 minutes. I grabbed a sweater out of the back seat and started walking. He yelled something at me “Does that mean you don’t want me to give you a ride?” I just kept walking like I didn’t hear him.

Walk walk walk…man it was really dark out. We don’t live in the city so our neighborhood doesn’t have a lot a street lamps.

Walk walk walk…this is sure spooky, hope something scary doesn’t happen. Then I see my car speed pass me and turn on the next side street.

Walk walk walk…should I go get in? Nah, he’s acting like a maniac.

Walk walk walk…(my car pulls up next to me, stops in the road) “Hey, are you sure you don’t want a ride?” (or something like that) Then another car comes speeding up behind him, doesn’t appear to see that he is stopped, changes lanes last minute. It becomes clear that he is going to do this the entire way home. He obviously can’t let me walk home in the middle of the night. It’s not safe. So I say “Well, if you’re going to make this unsafe I better just get in.” And we drive home in silence.

He goes directly into the bedroom and I decide to sleep on the couch.

I understand that my nagging was rude but we’re married, nagging happens. Under no circumstances do I agree that someone should act so crazy just because someone else is saying something they don’t want to hear. It was dangerous and grossly over played. His actions have made it impossible for me to apologize because then he’ll think what he did was acceptable. And it was not. At all. Totally unacceptable!

Here is my question: When someone else is clearly doing something wrong how do you keep your mouth shut? I mean, you know it is wrong and there is no way to avoid the situation. You have to face it on a consistent basis. Just as much as it annoys them when you say something it annoys you when the do it. What are you supposed to do?

And to further defend my actions he constantly tells me he’s “allowed to have his own opinion” and that I cannot stop him. So…I was just sharing my opinion buddy. Sorry you didn’t like it but you can’t stop me from having one. The hypocrisy of it all was quite non-coincidental.

So, can you tell me how am I, in this situation, not supposed to voice my opinion?

(The issue is much deeper obviously but I can’t go into all 17 years of our background.)

Birth Month

I have been known to celebrate my birthday all month long. Why not? I gotta keep things interesting and I only get one birth month.

So, today is my birthday but it feels just like any other day. How did I lose the magic of birthdays? Where did it go?

Over the last 3 years or so my magical birth month has slowly lost it’s sparkle. Is it because I’m in my 30’s? Or is it me?  I can’t figure it out.

Anyway, happy birthday to me today and for the rest of the month. I guess things can only get better from here.