He says he’s not interested. “Go make friends that like the same thing.” He says he’s content with how things are. “I’m perfectly happy with my routine.”
I say I’m not happy. “I need more undivided attention.” I say I’m suffocating in the monotony. “I need to be more active and want you to join.”
Our hearts are combined but our souls are strangers. Our hearts know it’s time but our minds can’t let go.
Thinking about the times of change in my life.
Thinking about how he has been the only one to truly stand by me.
My parents broke up when I was 5 and my mother moved us to her home town half way across the country from my father and his family. She tried her best but there came a point when she gave up. My grandparents were always there for me but that couldn’t last forever. My father never exhibited much effort. My sister put in some time but decided skipping town to be the best option for her. Left alone, confused and desperate I attached myself to the one person who said they would never leave me. So how can I possibly be thinking about leaving that person now!? The person who took me in and never thought twice.
They say everything has a beginning and an end. Could it be that our relationship has met it’s end? Could it be that we are not meant to grow old together? Yet we keep fighting it thus the terrible hurt we are both experiencing. Prolonging the inevitable. It’s so hard to know what is the right move. Some would say stick it out, love is all you need. Others would say if you love them enough you’ll let them go.
I feel with a heavy heart that the decision rests on me. Only because it has been expressed that he is content with life as it is. Whereas I am the one constantly wanting something different than what we have. My soul is telling me that it needs nourishment. It’s suffocating. It feels like I’m drowning in a life I don’t want.
My need for nature is strong. It comes from within. It feels like mother nature is really my mother. I feel at peace, love deeply and complete when I am surrounded by nature. It’s only natural that a want a partner to share those life sustaining feelings with. I need a partner that feels the energy of such great openness and power and that really truly enjoys just being with me.
I know some people have been successful at leading very separate lives yet staying happily united over many years. I’m a natural follower and constantly feel the need to share my experiences with other like minded people. So I find it extremely difficult to enjoy these moments when I am by myself. And quite honestly I don’t know that I want to.
I want to drive to the top of the mountain and spend the afternoon on a blanket in the woods snuggling, watching the birds fly, playing games or just staring into each-others. I want to hike the nearest creek and find a private pool to go skinny dipping in. I want to go for walks around the neighborhood and talk about all our hopes and dreams. The more unrealistic the better. I want to work in the garden and plant things together that may or may not grow. But do it just the same.
I want someone who loves me, faults and all. Someone who doesn’t feel the need to correct me or point out my mistakes. I want someone to tell me how beautiful I am because they truly mean it and just cant live another second without telling me. I want to feel unconditional love no matter how big of an argument we are having. I want to know without a doubt that I am safe, heart and all.
This may be normal. This may be not. All I know is I want it to be better.